


Jeeves on Holiday

by ricketybridge



Category: Jeeves & Wooster, Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse
Genre: Epistolary, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 14:21:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14717753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ricketybridge/pseuds/ricketybridge
Summary: Bertie keeps ruining Jeeves's holidays via letter and telegram.





	1. 1924

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dear Jeeves](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9296774) by [BW_Jeeves (pinkgins)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkgins/pseuds/BW_Jeeves). 



WHAT HO JEEVES STOP HOW IS BRIGHTON STOP CATCH ANY FISH STOP SORRY TO INTERRUPT HOLIDAY STOP TOODLE PIP STOP

BRIGHTON LOVELY SIR THANK YOU STOP CAUGHT TWO FISH THIS MORNING STOP EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT SIR STOP

EVERYTHING FINE STOP BORING WITHOUT JEEVESIAN BRILLIANCE BUT THAT CAN’T BE HELPED I SUPPOSE STOP

VERY KIND OF YOU SIR STOP SEE YOU IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS STOP

IF I CAME TO BRIGHTON TO SAY HELLO IT WOULD NOT BE AS YOUR EMPLOYER SINCE YOU’RE ON HOLIDAY WHAT STOP

NO SIR STOP YOU ARE MY EMPLOYER REGARDLESS OF HOLIDAY STOP

THEN YOU WOULD MIND TERRIBLY IF I CAME TO BRIGHTON TO SAY HELLO STOP

NO SIR BUT COULD NOT ADVISE IT STOP

WHY NOT STOP

I AM SURE YOU HAVE MORE PRESSING ENGAGEMENTS THAN TO PAY SOCIAL CALL TO YOUR VALET SIR STOP

NOT REALLY NO STOP

VERY WELL SIR STOP


	2. 1925

Dear Jeeves, 

How is Brighton? I suppose you’ve caught some fish and finished an improving book? I say, how many more improving books could you possibly need to read, old thing? I can’t think of anything about you that could stand to be improved. Well, if I’m being honest, your taste in men’s wear could do with some alteration, but I doubt there are any books that impress upon their readers the necessity of a greater appreciation of checked ties and alpine hats. 

Things are much the same here as they were when you left. Bingo’s amatory attentions have shifted, but it would be bigger news if they hadn’t. Aunt A. is threatening a visit, but I’m sure you could have guessed that. 

Well, I suppose the last thing you wanted to do on holiday from your employer is hear from your employer. I know how annoying my prattlings can be. It’s astonishing that you manage to bear them as well as you do for the better part of the year.

Tinkerty-tonk,  
Bertie

____________________

Dear Mr. Wooster,

If I may say so, sir, you do yourself an injustice. What you call your “prattlings” are in fact amusing and astute observations and anecdotes.

Is Mason not proving to your liking, sir? I can write to him with further instructions if there is some way in which you have found him lacking.

Regards,  
Reginald Jeeves

____________________

Dear Jeeves,

Yes, there is something I have found lacking in Mason, and that is that he is not Jeeves. However, I’m afraid there is nothing you could possibly write in a letter to him that would remedy the situation. It is not your restoratives that I miss—which Mason makes admirably, but not quite the same—or anything else particular to your work, as impeccable as it is. What I miss is your essential Jeevesness, which cannot be taught or replaced. 

The visit that Aunt A. threatened has come to pass, and your master now finds himself at the precipice of a juicy broth. You’ve guessed it: the aged a. has found yet another filly to bung at me. The young lady took quite a liking to me over luncheon, and it appears that Aunt A. has already drafted up our engagement notice. 

However, do NOT worry your head about it for even one minute. I should not like to distract you from your treasured time away from Berkeley Mansions. And, I daresay, I should be able to avoid plunging into the consommé on my own, having become intimately familiar with its portents and perils over the years.

Yours,  
Bertie

____________________

Dear Mr. Wooster,

I am gratified to hear that you find my presence so uniquely indispensable. 

I am troubled by the fact that Mrs Gregson has once again attempted to impose her desires regarding your marital status upon you. If you require my assistance, I would not hesitate to come to your aid. 

Regards,  
Jeeves

____________________

Dear Jeeves,

If you sent a response to my last letter, I am sorry to say that I haven’t had a chance to read it. As you could probably tell from the postmark, I’ve been bunged into a jail cell. The whys and wherefores aren’t all that important. Suffice it to say that the best laid plans that dribble from the mind of Bertram Wooster do not hold a c. to those that spring fully formed from that of Jeeves. 

Please do not trouble yourself in re. jail cell. I only mentioned it because I didn’t want you wondering why I hadn’t responded, if indeed you responded to my last letter.

Yours,  
Bertie

____________________

SIR RETURNING TO LONDON ON NEXT TRAIN STOP


	3. 1926

Dear Jeeves,

Well, I thought I would be able to do without even a temporary valet during your two weeks off, and I am ashamed to report that 3A Berkeley Mansions has been reduced to a state of lawlessness and savagery not seen on the British Isles since the Battle of Tewkesbury. I write this huddled behind a thatch of brush, gripping a harpoon. I’m fairly certain I just saw a pack of stray dogs run past the chesterfield. 

Please do not take this as an attempt to hint that you should return immediately and never leave. I am only mentioning it as a way of complimenting you on how utterly essential you have made yourself to me, and how quickly matters degrade in your absence. I shall ring the agency for a temporary valet to restore some semblance of order to the Wooster abode—although whoever it is surely won’t be able to do so nearly as efficiently or thoroughly as you would. 

Yours,  
Bertie

____________________

Dear Mr. Wooster,

I am quite alarmed to hear of the chaotic state in which you have found your home. I hope you were describing it only with the most extreme hyperbole, and that you find my temporary replacement from the agency agreeable. If you do not, I shall be glad to return until a suitable one is found. 

Regards,  
Reginald Jeeves

____________________

Dear Jeeves, 

The agency sent a man named Gibson, who successfully drove out the heathens who had laid waste to the Wooster kingdom, but who now I fear has become drunk on power and rules over both home and master like a tyrant. 

As you know, I am a man of iron will, but this Gibson fellow's will is made of steel. It is also not velvet-lined like yours. Where Gibson is a despot, you are a philosopher king: you have only the best for all concerned at heart, and when you find something not to your liking, you guide it into place with a soft touch rather than the lash. The United Kingdom could truly do with a ruler of your kind. If you ever decide to stand for Parliament, do let me know, as I would gladly scribble off a check for your campaign. 

My thoughts tend toward mutiny against my overseer, but as I would like to keep my head, I have stayed my hand. But please do not let any of this worry you. It is now only a week until your return, and I shall simply increase the number of hours I spend at the Drones until then. 

Yours,  
Bertie

____________________

RETURNING TO LONDON SIR STOP


	4. 1927

Dear Jeeves, 

I am sorry to interrupt what was supposed to be your employer-less holiday for the fourth year in a row, but I could not restrain myself from writing to tell you why I have continually interrupted your private leisure time so inconsiderately.

The fact is, I missed you, Jeeves. Terribly. And as I alluded to in one of my many letters, I don’t mean I just missed your valeting services; I missed _you_. (By the by, I happen to be _quite_ under the surface at the mo. after a particularly rousing night at the Drones.) One might rightly wonder how someone could miss someone they see nearly every day. I can only reply that that’s just how wonderful you are, but I suppose there was something else in it too: it was knowing that you were off having fun somewhere without me, even if your idea of fun involves rather a bit more fishing and reading than mine does. 

How I longed to see Jeeves in his leisurely habitat, wearing something more suited for the rugged activity of fishing than serving a b.-and-s. upon a salver. Perhaps a blue work shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. Nor would you be standing at a crisp attention as you always unfailingly are. You would perhaps be lounging on the balcony of your hotel room, a cigarette in your fingers and Spinoza in your lap. And your hair! My god, Jeeves, if I saw your hair loose about your ears and forehead instead of brilliantined back across your ample skull, I fear I would be driven to distraction. 

I confess that this was the sort of transformation I secretly hoped to witness when I visited you in Brighton a few years ago, but you did not, of course, allow me to. What an utterly strange creature you would have seemed to me: half Jeeves—given that you would have still, technically, been yourself—and half not-Jeeves, given that your identity is, for me, inextricably wrapped up with an impeccable suit and ramrod spine. 

But it was not merely a different exterior I wished to glimpse, but an entirely different demeanor—the one you have among friends rather than your employer. Surely you have such a demeanor? One can’t very well go about calling one’s friends ‘sir’ and looking like a stuffed frog during a spirited session at a pub. However, it’s entirely possible that you do not have a casual mode of behavior, as you seem to be more of an abstract concept (of valets, of course) than a mere mortal. 

At any rate, I harboured absurd fantasies in which we would be sitting on the balcony of your hotel room overlooking the sea, and I would say something to make you laugh—really laugh, not mildly chuckle. Do you know I have never seen you laugh in such a way? I suppose you feel that it would be a liberty to do so in my presence, but if so, you are wrong. There is nothing I would enjoy more. 

Anyhow, I would make you laugh (and marvel at the sight), and then I would curl up in your lap and perhaps cheekily steal your cigarette from you and then kiss you right on the lips. What would you do then? Would you hurl me away? Would you unwillingly endure it as yet another eccentric aberration of your master? Or would you place a hand on my back and lean towards me for another kiss? I imagine it’s obvious which of those three outcomes I would prefer. 

I have the firmest resolve to post this letter tomorrow morning, but I suppose it’s possible that, in the harsh light of day and sobriety, I shall think better of it. I know what you would advise, but, as you know, I gang aft agley instead of heeding your wise directives. 

Yours, always yours,  
Bertie

____________________ 

Dear Mr. Wooster,

I must apologise sincerely for having read your letter. I saw it on your bedstand early this morning, and as it was addressed to me, I assumed that you had left it there for me to see before I woke you. It was not until the last paragraph that I realised that you had not yet made a final decision as to whether you wanted me to read it or not. It appears that you had not received my telegram indicating that I was returning from my holiday early. I am terribly sorry. If you wish to hand me my notice, I shall of course understand. 

However, I assure you that your letter has had only its desired effect. In the hypothetical you describe, for instance, I would react in much the way you insinuated you would prefer. 

I have, however, taken the liberty of burning your letter. I found it exceedingly beautiful, but its continued existence was far too dangerous. I trust that you will allow me to burn this letter as well. 

Yours,  
Reginald Jeeves

____________________ 

Dear Mr. Jeeves,

This letter is to confirm that we have reserved two rooms from July 2, 1927 to July 16, 1927 under the name Mr. Bertram Wooster. Per your request, one of the rooms has a balcony with a view of the sea.

Sincerely,  
The Seaside Inn


End file.
